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Homosexuality - a personal journey
It wasn’t until college that I first heard the church address homosexuality. Sure I had heard the anti-gay protestors but for some reason there was a disconnect in my mind. Real Christians weren’t like that. Or were they? Throughout high school I hid. Though it wasn’t that long ago, no one in high school was out. Gay people didn’t exist in suburbia… at least not in high school. Now as a teacher, I know that isn’t even a reality any more. Youth are coming out earlier than ever before.
Traditionally college has been the age where most people start facing their same sex attractions. I sat in the back of a sanctuary sobbing after the first sermon I heard on the issue. The Bible seemed so clear on this issue, how could I be this way? Why did I have these desires? Why haven’t they gone away by now? Was I really a horrible person like all those comments I had heard by Christians in the past?
A big reason the college age stage is popular for guys (and girls) to first start addressing this issue in their lives is because it takes time and maturity to be able to accept that same sex desires are a part of ones life. No one wants to be gay. That needs to be clear to all Christians, especially those ministering to someone wrestling with their sexuality. Homosexual desires are not a choice. Actions are a choice but not the desires themselves.
That sermon I heard all those years ago started a journey within me. I was no longer content to deal with my attractions in silence. I never thought of buying a boa or putting on high heels… but I was tired of hiding. So I opened up to that pastor (who happened to be Chuck Bomar). Why? Because I saw his compassion on the issue. He was willing to address a room full of college students on an issue most pastors are silent on. He didn’t just preach on the issue, he cared about the people behind the issue. And isn’t that what all Christians should be doing? Had I ever heard this pastor make a gay joke or had he only talked about how wrong homosexuality is, I never would have opened up to him.
That pastor has since become my mentor and even more a friend. Our friendship has grown over the years and in many ways he’s been Jesus in the flesh for me. It has been one of the most healing relationships I’ve had. He didn’t recoil when I told him I was attracted to other men. Even through the nitty gritty details of this struggle he still wasn’t afraid to give me a hug. He loved me. And to someone who has never been affirmed in his masculinity (as most men dealing with homosexuality have not) that meant a lot.
At its root homosexuality is a relational problem. One camp of thought believes it stems from lack of male affirmation and acceptance. Those are normal needs everyone has growing up. When those are not met, we try to meet them and eventually those legitimate needs turn sexual. So while it feels very natural for me to be attracted to men, I believe this is not the way I was created.
Unfortunately, people like me are the minority. We’re often torn between those who tell us to accept our sexuality as the way God made us and be happy being gay, and a church which doesn’t know how to deal with this issue. As the church we don’t have control over those who choose to leave the walls. But what we can do is improve our response and our outreach to those within our walls that are struggling with their sexuality.
Here are a few key points everyone working with college students (some of whom will be dealing with this issue) should know:
1) There is a lot of vulnerability involved in opening up about such a sensitive issue. How you respond will have a lot of consequences to that person. Remember it is a sin just like any other. Chances are they will be very perceptive to your response. If they sense you withdrawing, they will take it as rejection. Be affirming.
2) Don’t act any differently. If you’re a touchy person, give them a hug or pat on the back. Touch can be very powerful and healing when done in a healthy way. Treat them as you would any other person. Encourage them to find other straight people of the same sex to relate with. Those who have the most success on the journey out of homosexuality are surrounded with same sex friends who are willing to invest in their lives.
3) Focus on the person not the issue. Homosexuality is just as much an identity issue as it is a sexual one. Gay people often wrap themselves up in their sexuality yet humanity is much more complex than one issue. There is often a lot of shame involved with struggling with homosexuality. Never share this persons secret without their permission.
4) Don’t shut down and don’t panic. This isn’t the first person to struggle and you aren’t the first person to be in this situation. Exodus International (www.exodus.to) is a ministry that exists to deal with unwanted homosexual attractions. They are a great resource and have a directory of ministries that may be in your area.
5) Don’t offer false hope. Christians are sometimes too quick to offer healing because they think it makes things easier. God never promises to take these desires away. Be careful what you promise people. God offers hope to break the bondage of sin in our lives. He offers strength to help us in our time of need. But He doesn’t offer to take away same sex attractions or even to give someone opposite sex attractions. Reorientation does, after years of hard work, counseling, support groups etc., happen for some who seek to overcome their same sex attractions. There are those who go on to live healthy heterosexual lives including marriage and kids, but sadly statistics show that most people either end up living celibate lives or accepting their sexuality and moving on.
6) Be proactive. This is an issue that needs to be addressed from a redemptive perspective. Even if you don’t think you know anyone who’s dealing with this (chances are you do, they just haven’t told you) the more the Church is dialoging about this issue and being sensitive, the safer place it will become for those who have these attractions.
-author undisclosed for now...
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